I’m a Black Belt (in Problem Solving)

If finding alternative ways of doing every day stuff was a martial art, I would be one of those people who roundhouse kick stacks of bricks and turns them into dust. Seriously. I don’t know how I do it. I can’t figure out my 3rd grade son’s math homework, but I can engineer adaptive devices (please…I use that term very loosely.) to make my every day activities possible. I generally need the help of an adult to make these things work…yes, I know I’m an adult. But I need, like, an adultier adult. This generally begins with my unwilling, but guilt tripped accomplice hearing my idea, telling me there’s no way it’ll work, then looking like a chump while I’m serving up all sorts of smug looks when we finish and they realize that I was right.

I present to you, The Door Loop™. OK…so the name isn’t original. I’m a genius scientist engineer and I don’t have time to come up with creative names for my life-changing products. Anyway. About a week ago, my wonderful uncle installed some ramps for me because I was getting stuck on the lip of my back door and literally had to call for help. I’m not kidding. “Help” was in the form of my poor neighbor in his pajamas running through the yard to come get me unstuck when he should’ve been sleeping. Meanwhile, my dogs looked on offering no help at all. The new ramps are amazing. I have never been able to get inside my house without wondering if I would be ok by myself. I always needed a Plan B. But, no longer. I was free. I was able. The world was my oyster.

Until it came time to close the door.

Before the ramp, in order to close the door, I would get as close as I could, push the door in, bouncing it off the wall behind it until it came close enough to grab the knob and pull it shut. Sometimes I’d need to pull on the window frame on the door to get it within my reach. But the new ramp prevented me from getting close enough after the door was bounced to get my hand on the doorknob. F…M…L…

Then, I got an idea. If I could put something on the left side, opposite of the knob to pull the door shut, I could totally reach it. Sounds genius, right? No? OK…fine. My husband and mom said the same thing. *insert mocking Spongebob meme here* “OnCe YoU dRiLl a HoLe In YoUr DoOr, YoU cAn’T gO bAcK.”


 Soooo…I went to Home Depot and picked up everything I needed to make this genius idea come to life. My husband grabbed his drill and reluctantly put a big fat hole right through our metal door. That was the moment I thought, for a fleeting moment, “Oh shit. We just put a hole in our door.” Once he finished installing my…concoction, I went outside and prepared to be vindicated. I looked at him, effortlessly grabbed The Door Loop™, and just like Clint Eastwood would do, said the coolest last words I could come up with before pulling that sucker and shutting myself outside into the great, big world.

“Bye, bitches.”

My idea (as usual) worked, despite the words of my naysayers. I haven’t technically gotten any apologies, but the satisfaction of knowing they were wrong every time I pull that loop is enough…for now.

That was cooler than any brick-breaking roundhouse kick I’ve ever seen.

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